Today is August 22, 2019.
My oldest son left for his junior year at college 4 days ago.
My twin daughters are 2 years older; one is engaged and will be married in February 2020. The other is in a long distance relationship that will culminate in an engagement before the end of this year, most likely.
My youngest son is a senior in high school this year.
My whole world is shook. I’m just being honest. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could stand still, and upright, and tell you how well I’m navigating this time. But, honestly, I don’t think I’m doing a very good job.Â Â I want to escape. I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling.
I feel lonely. I feel old. I feel unsure and uncool. I feel embarrassed that I feel this way. I am a person of Christian faith. I think I should be stronger and steadier.Â
But the truth is — I am not steady. Or sure. Or strong. I am scared. And lonely. And doubtful. And discouraged. And sad. I wonder what life has let for me that is of any value. It sucks.
Have I totally misread my entire life up to this point? Have I made my kids my idols? Have I been seeking my identity through what I do as a Mom? So…whether that’s true or not — what do I do now? Mt children aren’t here. They are independent from me — they are living their best life now — I am looking in the mirror and wondering what the hell just happened.Â Â And feeling guilty for writing those words because I’m a ‘good Christian girl’.
I know I can’t be the only one who married young and innocent and hoping for the best. A great husband. Seriously. The best. But, now…
I love being a Mom.Â
Thank you, God, for opening my womb and bringing these amazing miracles forth. I just had intercourse…and ate…and slept. You alone are the Creator. You are.
Can I just say…
I don’t get it. What do I do now?Â Â I am so thankful for this life you’ve provided. There is no mistaking it — no confusion in my mind of where my blessings come from. None whatsoever. But…
It’s all done. At least, as I know it. So, what do I do now?
I sense You saying — “Come to me.” I want to. I am your girl. Always have been. You have saved me and given me a future and a hope. How do I let this go and come to you, though? It is a hard thing. I love the children you have given me.
And there it is. YOU have given me everything I have that is good in my life — especially my children. They were yours before they were mine. They are still, and will always be, Yours.Â
What a blessing it is that you have lent them to me for this lifetime! Lord, what is it You’d want me to learn from my time with them? You give the best gifts. And, true to your nature, I don’t believe for a moment that you give arbitrarily — you are purposeful and intentional. You are a good God.
Teach me, Lord. In my sadness, and other strong emotions, let me still submit to You, and bend my knee to You in trusting obedience because of who you have always steadfastly proved yourself to be to me over the years. You are good. You are true. These are not the foolish words of a “hoping-for-the-best” Mama. My request stems from a woman who has walked many long years with You and has never found you distant or lacking in providing for any of my needs. You are faithful. You are trustworthy. In these weird, confusing, emotion-laden days of motherhood, You alone are the God who standsÂ next to me and strengthens my heart and my voice as I call out to my children:
“Listen! He is the LORD! His ways are true. Look for the ancient paths and the way of wisdom that will not fail you. Seek it with all you have — turn your back on this world — look full in His face. He alone has the answers you will need!”
I know. I am old. I have walked with Him. I walk with Him still. He is faithful. He is my friend. He is love.
The place you are homesick for…
It can be found in Him. Only.
Even in hard times that I don’t understand, my heart is full of gratitude to Him. I can affirm with the Psalmist, “the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places”… (Psalm 16).
Anyone where I am now? Can you relate? Trust Him. He is good. I promise.