Learning to change the subject – the “Who” is not you

Have you ever experienced a time when you felt a bit lost? Not sure of your purpose, not sure anything you did mattered or made a difference anymore?

Sometimes this can happen if we are sidelined during illness, or when we lose a valued job or career. Or when our daily life, once so defined by something that was truly important to us, changes abruptly, leaving us with more questions than answers.

I had a conversation with a young mother recently who was traveling alone for the first time since becoming a Mom, leaving her little one’s home with her husband. She related how they barely seemed to notice when she left. She wondered if they would even miss her. She marveled at how independent they had already become, having gained confidence, learned new skills, and begun to learn about the world. She was glad for this of course, it was the aim of her parenting, to raise them this way.

There are times when the weight and depth of what we do is so immense that we can easily lose focus if we are not diligent to maintain proper perspective. And by proper, of course I mean Godly perspective. Remembering to ask God in prayer, “What do You think about this? Am I looking at this properly? Help me to see this situation the way You do.”

What she was experiencing was success. Of a kind that is hard to accept. The beginning of achieving her main aim of parenting – raising confident, capable children who can walk without constant oversight, able to make decisions and eventually find their place outside of the family home. I’ve often said that parenting is the only job that if done well, will leave you without a job eventually. But I’ve since realized that’s not quite accurate. You will always be a parent to your kids. Now I picture parenting as beginning in the center of a circle and then throughout their lives slowly moving further and further to the outer ring until, as your children become adults, you are on the periphery of their lives. If you love your job as parent, this is painful.

A better way to frame this is to simply remember, even when you are in the middle of the hardest and best job you may ever have, you are not the main character in your story. You may be the one chiefly responsible for their care, especially in the earliest years, but you are never the main character. Holding this perspective will serve you well as your children grow and mature. It is normal to mourn over change, but we can’t stay there. Moving forward through these changes requires a shift to a Godward perspective, a shift from “I” and “me” statements to “You” statements.

Instead of, “They don’t need me anymore,” try “Lord, how do I serve and love them well now, during this changing season?” The focus moves from you and your feelings to God and His will.

Instead of, “I feel so useless; I don’t see my purpose now,” pray “Father, how can I serve you now that my parenting role looks different?”

Instead of, “I miss the way things used to be,” try, “I’m so grateful for what you gave me in the past, trusting you for what’s ahead, believing in hope, because I know Your character, and you are a good God.”

One test of maturity is being able to look back with gratitude at all the Lord has done, and to look forward with hope because we trust the One who holds the future. Proverbs 31 speaks of a wise woman of strong character who “laughs at the days to come.” May we be like her, may we be like the God who loves us, content with where we are because we trust Him. The best is yet to come!

Proverbs 31:25 “Strength and honor are her clothing, and she can laugh at the time to come.”